So while I may have demonstrated troll-like tendencies in the past, I no longer continue to do so. Just like I can start off liking a person then have them constantly judge and misunderstand me (*whine* s/he didn't say hi to me, they must hate me *whine*)until I can't stand them, I do have the ability to realize what my mistakes are and stop them. One day I'll learn the lesson to ignore her completely and forever, but that one is a lot harder.
Another piece or two of the puzzle [Jul. 23rd, 2006|11:32 am]
(Why am I doing this? Maybe hoping you'll read. I doubt you will, or if you do, you'll read all the wrong things into it, as usual. And you won't link here. Of course.)
I don't know if this will help you gain understanding or if that is even what you want at this point. But I'm going to put it out there anyway.
I don't know how much of your impression of me you got through my journal. I know that I haven't always pissed you off with what I wrote. I know there were times, in fact, you'd print out whatever-it-was and save it. I saw one such printout on top of your TV when I was visiting one day. It was weird, but I guessed it was better to impress you than to anger you. Yanno?
But I'm wondering how much of your impression of me you got through talking with Matt. The reason is that I got a lot of MY impression of YOU that way.
Matt is very bad about triangulation. Always has been. Freely blurts it out, doesn't think about what he's saying, even used to get semi-seriously picked on by Crista for babbling about other people's medical business.
He's been no different about his other lovers. It was always "Viv said this" or "Michele did that." To this day, in fact, he still bitches to me when he and Michele have problems. On the one hand I grok a need to blow off steam, and I respect that (obviously). On the other hand I'm about ready to tell him to stuff it. Why is it any of my business what goes on with her? Granted, I might be curious occasionally (OK, I'm not about her particularly) but that doesn't change the fact. If he's unhappy he needs to figure out how to get happy about the situation or change it. Bitching at me doesn't change anything.
But that's what I'm pretty sure he did about me to you, and I know that's what he did about you to me.
So it's impossible to tell percentages but I would say at least forty percent of my perception of what was going on with you came from things he said.
The problem is that, as you know, Matt is in his own little world. He's got entirely his own way of looking at things that goes well beyond a mere flaunting of mainstream morality. There are days I deal with him that I wonder if he's even from this planet. Hazards of dealing with an Aquarius, maybe, I don't know and couldn't say.
So I have no way of knowing, at this point, how valid his opinions were of what was going on with you.
Another part of it was that because I took my data mostly from him about what was going on with others in our peer group and about what they thought of me generally, I may have come away with a wrong impression there too. But from what he said I started feeling like everybody was monitoring my journal and looking at the calendar because he would say things like how "we" have noticed that I have mood swings every five or six weeks. Or "It's not that we have a problem with you being angry, it's how you express that anger." Who the fuck is "we"? At the same time people who weren't even involved with him were, I perceived, backing away and not speaking to me anymore.
And THEN, you would sit there in your old journal and you would say things that I could swear were aimed at me. The "get out of the gene pool" bit, which you never bothered acknowledging to my face--Matt said you apologized through him. Like I would know he hadn't just made it up himself. The bit about not caring what people thought, you were going to write what you wanted (and this was before I really started harping on the same thing). Stuff like that. And you would come out with it when I thought we were getting along OK. Sound familiar? Yeah. You did this shit to me too.
And then the way you would sit there and go, "I'm gonna stop feeding the drama with Dana," and then people I knew, people I had met in person and thought liked me, would chime in and go, "Good for you!" It was even worse when we read each other's friends-only stuff. I had people like urth--who at one time had expressed to me that they missed me on Internest and had been glad to meet me and so on--talking about how angry I was, and about how that repelled them. Nobody except Callista wanted to bother speaking to me, they just snarked about me behind my back. If they had been strangers I could have written it off as ignorant people who didn't know me. These were not strangers.
What really pissed me off was the way you all got offended afterward because I would block you all out and announce I was doing it. What did any of you want, for me to accept the way you were acting? It would have been nice if people had told me, "Look, it was nice hanging out with you in CAW and all, but you're really getting out of hand and I can't take it anymore." Callista came closest to this and not until last year. Before that she was doing the same thing, not saying a word to me but using me as snark fodder in your journal.
And Sarah. Jesus Christ. I met Sarah at GC. Never had a bad word to say about her. And Kyril! For fuck's sake.
Do you have any idea what it is to have an entire group of people you thought were friends--most of whom you'd never had significant problems with, if any at all--turning on you, behind your back? I doubt it.
Even the ones who had reasons didn't fully understand what was going on. Tina's pissed off at me because I suddenly stopped talking to her in IMs. I actually had a reason for that that had more to do with me than with her, and I didn't want to snark at her. I thought about explaining myself, but now she's dismissed me (since January) as not worth anything, well, why bother? Sandy... Jesus. I never did understand what the hell was up with Sandy. I felt like I couldn't even talk to her when I was living with her because she seemed scared of me all the time. And I got mad at her for talking about Billiam, I think, but she got mad at me for saying something nice about Gaelan before that. Sent me a bitchy email and everything. (That was back when she and G were still feuding.) She can't seem to make up her mind whether I'm a saint or the Antichrist. Sound familiar? (Amazing how it's psycho when I do it but OK from someone else. As usual.) I stayed out of her way when I was living there so I wouldn't annoy her. Guess the opposite happened.
(I still think you asked me to come live with you to get me out of her hair, and I really don't care if you've said otherwise. That wouldn't be the only time you ever lied to me.)
I don't know why any of this still bothers me. I have to be realistic, again--what I said elsewhere about being an emotional miser? Yeah. I can admit that. Also, I was trying to embrace people as friends (in my own weird way) that I didn't even know properly. Big mistake. Some folks admire my guts in moving north to something completely unknown and taking a chance, but let's face it, that was an extraordinarily stupid thing to do. I had nothing to come to up here except Matt's obsession, and you trying to make the best of things. The latter of which did not last very long, of course.
Yeah, babble, babble, babble. I have no idea how to end this so I'll just end the entry. I suppose you'll just laugh anyway.
Link to this, then. Why not? [Jul. 23rd, 2006|12:02 am]
And then that just started all those old feelings of righteous indignation and pain that I thought were finally healing.
I'm confused. Are we each responsible for our own feelings or do other people cause them? Because I keep getting told it's the former situation with me, not the latter. Oddly, on the other hand, you seem to think I control you. This comes up over and over again.
I just kept thinking about the exorbinant amount of money she is asking from Matt,
I'm not asking him for anything. He decided the amount, not me. He's making $4k a month and I get seven hundred.
especially considering she won't get a job.
Right, I currently don't have a job. I do absolutely nothing all day except sit in the middle of my living room floor and stare at the four walls. I'm not even writing this; I installed an AI program that thinks like me.
We've been over this. Just because I don't have an employer doesn't mean I don't have a job.
If you mean regular paid employment, you're correct I won't get a job. Matt and I talked about this before Thea was born. We both agreed we wanted me home. If that's not how he felt then he should have said so. I will concede he appears to expect people to read his mind for him. Perhaps he said one thing and meant another. Until he tells me, I have no way of knowing.
And at that point I still may not be able to get a job. You see, I could apply all day long, everywhere I went but it wouldn't make one whit of difference if no one hired me. I have no way of knowing what would happen at this point.
Furthermore, you being infertile and all, you wouldn't know what it is to juggle job and kids. You especially would not know what it is to do that as a single mom. I don't know about the latter either, although I've done the former--and frankly? I'm scared to find out. It was hard enough doing it when I was married.
Matt bails her out of every mess she makes.
This is hysterically funny coming from you. What was it you cost him again? Two thousand in one month? Both times from your negligence? And at what point during your marriage to him were you financially independent?
And then that gets into my mode of thinking that I got into where I was just screaming, "Why her? Why?! You couldn't tell me one good thing about her besides she /can/ be nice sometimes and she is a good fuck!"
But then you said...
Besides, I always said that if I had met Matt and we had been secondaries, then things probably would have worked out. It was the marriage and living together that really screwed things up.
You also said in front of me AND J that if you had had to do it over again you would not have stayed with Matt. So why is the question of "why Dana?" even remotely relevant? I don't think it's meant to be. I think it's one of your fucking pity parties.
Want to know a little secret? You don't want to be Matt's secondary either. I was that very thing (and I speak literally) for three years. In places, it almost killed me. I can't imagine what you went through. The sad part? Especially after reading Sandy's comment that she wished Levi would write her poetry. The sad part is that I saw the little note he wrote to you after you enrolled at OSU--it was on your bedroom wall, remember? And accompanied a flower he picked for you? Yeah. And then the card he got you later on, sweet romantic little note added, when you two got serious about trying for kids? Remember what he did when I got pregnant? Yeah, withdrew. Started a new hot-and-heavy. Tried to pretend nothing was going on with me. Lost himself in other things. Card? Generic little thing with one phrase and his name signed. Flowers, but not roses. Excuses and more excuses. More and more withdrawal. (Which you encouraged, from what I saw.)
You were his queen, I was his fuck. How blind do you have to be to sit there and say you don't understand why he chose me over you? He didn't. Even there at the end where he lied to you? He was pretending to accept your ultimatum. He betrayed me again. For you.
Are you just completely incapable of understanding any of this?
(I wouldn't want to keep him around lying to me about someone else, either. I understand why you left. But goddamn it, woman... You are BLIND and DEAF. Would that you would be dumb as well, at least on LJ, for once!)
I don't like being in that place. I'm not sure how to face that. I think maybe I should just turn away from it awhile again and try to let time soften the edges.
Want to know a secret? I don't like ANY of this. I don't like you sniping about me, but I don't like being angry at you. Callista snarked about me wanting closure with the situation with you, saying that if she waited for closure with every bad situation then she'd never heal. But I don't look for closure with every bad situation. Most of 'em I just walk away from and I mostly forget. I can't do that with you. I can't figure out why. I would say, "I thought you were my friend," but I'm not sure that was ever true. I did enjoy your company, but I never felt completely OK with you.
There's just a wrongness with you that I could never fix. Half my bitching in my LJ about you after you left Matt was trying to work things out by writing about them. If you'd stopped and given me the benefit of the doubt for two damn seconds maybe you would have seen that for yourself.
I guess I get just as obsessive as Matt does. I wish I could shut it up. It's wasted on you, I perceive, because I don't think you even see me as human anymore.
Lo and behold if Dana hadn't created yet another journal, only this one is just to try and strike out at Yvette and I. What a freakin' PSYcho.
Says my biggest LJ stalker. It's called being angry at an unresolved situation.
Actually, I just realized that Dana made her journal friends only and then only added Yvette and I so that we could read it and none of the rest of you can. This seems even a little weirder than I thought. Does it mean she is ashamed of what she has to say?
Few reasons: One, I wasn't talking to your yes-man club, I was talking to you and Miss Poacher. Two, I think at the time I was curious to see if a FO journal would be yanked like the others had been. (Odd that I had a LJ before that that was ranting at you and calling you names and... You haven't mentioned it at all. I was well beyond anger at that point, considering you'd said you would leave me alone and then you didn't.) Then I lost interest, resolved to just let the whole thing go. Sometimes I think I just need to have my ass good and beat because I can't let go of this any more than you can, yet neither of us has any good reason to keep after the other, I don't think.
I mean, is there a reason on your part? Would you bother telling me, or do you just want to keep sitting there whining about me and mocking me but not really putting it to any good purpose? I can't imagine you see the fallout with me as a wrongness. You've made it very plain you despise me. So I'm confused.
Know one thing, though. I'd turn back time right now if I could, and not come to Ohio at all--and that with loving my daughter very much and not being sorry she's here. I would do that. I would take away any knowledge you had of me and let your life with Matt go on the way it was going to go. In a fucking heartbeat. I have no idea if that makes you feel any better. I suppose it doesn't really matter.